Mama

Now for the exciting conclusion to "Goings On"...

I'm sure you all remember I was laid off at the end of my maternity leave in April 2008. Lots of resumes, a few interviews, more resumes, no interview, finally a part time bookkeeping job. During all of this we decided I would go to college for an actual accounting degree. So I go to Thomas Edison State College of New Jersey. The classes are twelve weeks long. The way my financial aid is set up I take classes starting Sept.1, Dec 1, March 1 and June 1. Twelve weeks of class and a week to ten days off before next classes begin. Last year each term I took three classes. This Sept term with work, his illness, kids, worry, etc I dropped one class and am only taking two. They are just about killing me! One way or another they are over on November 20. The next bunch start Dec 1.

Health-wise I've seen some action too. After all of my thyroid crap of the last few years it just up and died on me. I gained around 25 pounds in two months, went to the doctor all what the hell and several tests later found a non-functioning thyroid. It actually explained a bunch of things I was attributing to stress. So now I am on synthetic thyroid hormone and am glad it's all over with. One thing that wasn't taken care of was the excessive, ridiculous periods. For all of our sakes I won't go into detail. In September I had a D & C, had some fibroids tied off and an ablation. Let me tell you, if you are done child bearing, the ablation is wonderful. I haven't had a period since and will most likely never have another one.


I don't want you to think that we are all gloom and doom, draped in black and morose. Things have been stressful and depressing but we are managing. I think I laughed last week. Kidding. I really do think everything will be ok, I just need to remind myself of that. Often. The Big Guy always says, "Has God brought us this far to just drop us?" No, he hasn't. So I'm going to try not to worry about Big Guy or money or the kids or anything else. I just want a nice holiday season.

Now you are pretty much caught up. Now what will I write tomorrow...

B9

The biopsy was benign. Thank God. Still need to have my thyroid out because it's so big but first I have to find a new surgeon. Will not be dealing with this one any more.

Where My Head Does a Complete 360 a la Linda Blair

I hate when people lie to me! That, that person (a term I use generously because most people don't lie blatantly) at the doctor's office- ya know, the one who told me the dr. would call first thing- well she is a damn liar. I just called there and lo and freakin behold, "Mrs.___, the doctor did not have office hours today, he is in surgery all day on Wednesdays." What the hell? I f he is in surgery on Wednesdays why did you not just tell me that yesterday? Why? (insert appropriate nasty words here)

I can call tomorrow after 2:30.

If I don't start spewing pea soup before that.

Growing Old WAITING!

It is after 1PM here and I still haven't heard anything. So much for first thing. I know the receptionist has no control over the doctor and let me tell ya, once I get these results, I sure as hell am not going back to this doctor. I don't care if he's the last doctor on the damn earth, I'm going someplace else. I've called my voice mail about 12 million times to see if there was any message. Now I'm hanging out here. I'm going to call them again, my blood pressure could use a workout.

STILL Waiting!

Being persistent (impatient), I called the doctor's office at 4:45 this afternoon.

"Hi this is Bethany ____, has the doctor looked at my results yet?"

"Mrs. ____, I told you, the doctor is very busy and would probably not get to them today. He has already left the office for the day", said the receptionist with her bitchy, bad mood voice.

Sweet as could be, without a hint of sarcasm, I say, "It sounds like you're having one of those days."

Big exhale, a little calmer, "I sure am, it started bad and just kept going."

"Yeah, I know what you mean. I've been waiting all day to hear if I have cancer. Now I get to wait all night."

"Oh, I'll have Doctor call you first thing in the morning."

Yeah and I'll hold my breath waiting.

Still Waiting

Because I hate to wait, I called the doctor's office to see if the results were in. The receptionist said they are in but he hasn't reviewed them yet. Of course she can't say anything. I understand that but it sucks that she knows & I don't. Anyway, the doctor has meetings this morning and a full load of patients this afternoon. She thinks "It is highly unlikely that you will hear from him today." Well let me tell you, it was all I could do to not unload on this woman! I understand she is doing her job, she's not a doctor, blah blah blah. But she did not have to come off like such a bitch. This was my first phone call, not the tenth. I couldn't possibly have annoyed her in one three minute phone call. When did courtesy and compassion become bad things to show other people? I mean, Damn!

I Hate Waiting

I am supposed to find out the results of the biopsy today. I usually don't work on Tuesdays but I am today, just for a few hours while the Squish is at preschool. We could use the money and the end of the month is very busy at my job. Next month will be even more fun because I get to close out the whole year! Hoo-ray. No matter how perfectly every month closes and balances for some reason there is always some major problem closing out the year. Things to look forward too.
Anyway, I'll let you know what the results are when I get them.

Gobble Gobble

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

The biopsy went ok and I should have results on Tuesday. I'll post about this tomorrow.

Thursday Thirteen Thanksgiving Version
I am thankful for:
1. My husband
2. My children
3. The rest of my family
4. That I have a job I like (most of the time anyway)
5. It was my left foot & not my right so I can still drive.
6. Local anesthesia
7. Vicodin
8. My mother's sausage stuffing
9. Did I mention Vicodin?
10. That someone I have known for a long time has had a dream come true.
11. Good books
12. Health insurance
13. Jesus and the conversation I had with him during my biopsy

Anxiety

That word about sums up what I'm feeling right now. I'm not talking about full blown panic attack- just a constant low level anxious feeling. I gotta tell ya, I'm nervous about tomorrow's biopsy. I'm not overly concerned about the whole Molly Ignant thing. If it's cancer, I'll deal with that.

No, I'm having anxiety about the biopsy itself. I'm not really sure why. It's not the pain thing. I have a pretty high tolerance for pain. I once fell down the stairs at work & broke my leg. I sat there talking with a co-worker while I waited for the ambulance. Granted it wasn't a big break but still. I'm not sure how I'll do with a needle in the throat but other people do it so I can too. Right? You think I can do it, don't you?

My mom is bringing me (the Big Guy has to work, if he doesn't he won't get paid for Thursday & we need the money). I love my mother but (of course there's a but) she is very, umm, hyper. She thinks because she is over 60 that she has infinite wisdom. While I would agree that she can teach me some things, there are other things out there that she knows jack shit about. She could incite the pope to murder. As I am typing this my anxiety is increasing. I can actually feel it in my chest. Holy crap, my mother is the root of my anxiety and it only took 37 years to figure this out. Duh. Another thing, maybe two, she has a lead foot and thinks all drivers should yield to her, she weaves, she tailgates and she curses like a sailor. No- a sailor could take lessons from my mother. She does this all at the top of her lungs while flipping the bird.

Maybe I should take a cab. Anybody gonna be around tomorrow around 1:00? No, could you FedEx me a xanax or three?

More on the Mythical Creature

The doctor came back from vacation, checked out my films and said, "Why of course, Ice Cream Mama, I would love to jam a 22 gauge needle into your neck several times and suck some cells out!"

Not really. I don't think that was glee in his secretary's voice, but it could have been. Anyway the biopsy is scheduled for the first available appointment, Wednesday, November 22. Yes, the day before Thanksgiving hoo-frickin-ray! I wonder how many days it will take for the pathology department to awaken from a tryptophan induced coma to check my cells out? I wonder if my throat will be too sore to indulge in my own tryptophan coma? If the turkey is as dry this year as it was last year, that might not be a bad thing. I wonder, exactly how big is a 22 gauge needle? Do I really want to know? Will I embarrass myself and cry like a baby? And the $64,000.00 question...will it be dun dun duunn malignant?

I have soooo much to look forward to.

Biopsy- Mythical Creature of Pants Shitting

Yep, the B-word and C-word by proxy. In all the thyroid crap I 've gone through the word cancer was said twice, as in "It's Not". Apparently doctors have magical ways of looking at test results and ultrasounds that mere mortals like us could never dream of understanding. With their magical mystery eyes, the doctors have said that because of they way my lumpy-lumps are shaped, have grown and had baby lumpy-lumps, they are not cancerous. Seven years of NOT CANCEROUS.

Bring in Doctor Doom. "I think we should biopsy these before we decide on any other course of treatment. There is always a possibility that they are malignant." (Side note: Have you ever noticed that malignant is a very ugly word. I mean it sounds awful. The least they could do is give it a nicer name. I'd rather be killed by the flowery flower disease than the (dun dun duunn) malignant melanoma.)

Anyway...
I have to have a biopsy. I am thrilled. The doctor who does the thyroid biopsy is on vacation. So I get to wait. He's supposed to be back Monday. I know I get backed up after a vacation so let's see how long it takes to get an appointment.

I hate waiting.

Thyroid Part 2?

I really don't want to talk too much about my thyroid. I don't want to piss and moan, hell I don't even want to think about it! Suffice it to say, I am on anti-thyroid meds. My levels need to be lower before the damn thing can be removed. The medication takes six to eight weeks to work. Unfortunately, the stuff makes me nauseous in a major way, the doc said it will pass. It better and pretty damn quick at that!

Good Bye Thyroid, Part One

Well, I went to my new endocrinologist today and my thyroid has to go. I have a toxic multinodular thyroid. Woohoo...toxic! Several months ago I went to my primary doctor because I was feeling generally crappy. He ran umpteen blood tests. Lo & behold my thyroid readings were totally screwy. (But my cholesterol was fanfriggintastic!) PD sent me for an ultrasound where they found a dozen lumps of various size (a couple really big suckers) on my thyroid. He tells me to get an appointment with an endocrinologist. Easier said than done. Apparently there are only ten endo docs in a fifty mile radius. Half of them only do diabetes, three are not taking new patients and the other 2 have wait lists as long as the Great Wall of China. Of the two only one is in my insurance plan, so guess who I chose. What a crappy way to have to choose a doctor. Luckily me sister in law is a nurse and knows this doc. Anyway, FOUR months later (today) I go for my appointment.

The doc asked me all sorts of questions: did I feel flushed? trouble sleeping? food cravings? irregular periods? shortness of breath? trouble swallowing? I was in the presence of The Oracle! How did he know? Finally a man who understands me, knows me...(reign it in B, he's not Joaquin Phoenix, just a guy who's seen some thyroids).

It turns out the shortness of breath and the trouble swallowing & sleeping are because my thyroid is SO big it is pressing against my trachea when I lay down. Basically it is smothering me in my sleep. Now I always figured it would be my husband smothering me but, nope, my own damn body is trying to do me in. So the thyroid has to go.

This calls for some B&J Vermonty Python.