Thankful

I had every intention of writing a Thanksgiving post detailing the things I am thankful for.  Lately it is hard to be thankful as Big Guy's cancer seems to color all of my thoughts.  I try not to let my anxiety show too much but of course I fail.  I didn't realize how badly I failed until the other day. 

On Friday I took Ebaby and Scoop to a Christmas fair at Ebaby's school.  It was a fun night with a craft, cookies, a few vendors and the big highlight- picture with Santa! 

Scoop was thrilled just to get to go to Ebaby's school. 

Ebaby was thrilled because they had a little "shop" where the kids could buy gifts for their family.  She used her own money from her bank and was quite proud of herself.

They each made a snowflake craft and had cookies.  We stood in line to see Santa.

I wasn't sure how Scoop would react to Santa, she's never seen him before.  At first she kept her vise grip on my hand until Santa asked, "Want a candy cane?"  Then she went to him.  So much for teaching her to not take candy from strangers.  They both sat on his lap and we got a couple of good pictures.  Santa asked them what they want for Christmas.  Ebaby never knows what she wants so now surprise when she said, "I don't know."  She really doesn't know and she is always excited and grateful with whatever she gets.  It's fun to buy for her.  I was really interested to hear how Scoop would answer that question because everything she see she wants.  She told Santa she wants, "hern own Barbies and ma pillow pet".  (Of course I had no idea what a pillow pet was and had to Goolge it.  $20 for a pillow???)

We had a really great time.  The next day I was telling my sister about it and she said the thing that made me realize how I had failed at hiding my anxiety.  She said:

"You sound so happy.  You haven't sounded happy in a long time."

And damned if she wasn't right.  I can put on a brave face and make jokes and kid around but the undertone of unhappy is there.  Everything just seems so hard lately.  Hell, getting out of bed some days is a major freakin chore. 

Friday, though, I was happy.  I was happy to see my girl proud to spend her own money on special gifts for her sisters and nana.  I was happy to see the delight on my two year olds face when she got the nerve (and candy cane) to see Santa.  I am happy to know we will at least have this Christmas and that no matter what comes, we are together now.  And that is something to be thankful for.

The Kids

The next thrilling installment of "Goings On"...

Sis is in her second year at college. She has a tuition scholarship which is fantastic. Her first year she got a bunch of little one time scholarships and financial aid that enabled her to live on campus and we only had to pay for her books. This year we barely got any financial aid (go freakin figure) and had originally said she would have to commute to college (it's less than 45 minutes away). Of course she was not happy about this and wanted to take out loans to live there. We were against this debt as it wasn't really necessary. After getting the Big Guy's diagnosis and the details of his treatment we decided it might be better to just let her live on campus. It would be too distracting at home and let's face it, she was going to do it whether we wanted her to or not. She's doing really well in her classes and seems to be having a good time but not too good a time!

Ebaby is in second grade this year! Holy cow my baby is seven. In first grade she had some real gross and fine motor skill difficulties. She needed occupational therapy but the state insurance we had for the kids did not cover it. The school would not classify her and it was very frustrating. My brother wound up finding someone for us who gave us exercise and activities for her to do. She made great improvements and continues to work hard. She loves school. I wish we could put her in some activities but everything around here costs money that we don't have. Thankfully she is pretty creative and she loves to play with her little sister. She has been taking the drama around the house really well. Of course we don't tell her very many details but kids know.

Scoop is two. Two! She is very funny and laid back. She is Daddy's girl all the way. She tells him all the time "we're best buddies" and she means it. She eats anything you put in front of her but we recently discovered she has a chocolate allergy (poor thing and more for me!). She is very tall and people tend to think she is older than she is which leads to some stupid comments from people when I buy diapers. She discovered the Toys R Us Christmas catalog and wants to buy everything in it. We told her to get a job. She informed us she was too "yittle". She has been a bright light in all the bullshit of the last couple of years.

Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion of "Goings On"....

Guess Who Is Starting Another Diet?

The seven year old stick figure I call daughter, "Mommy when you were my age were you skinny like me?"

"Yes, I was just like you."

"Does that mean I'm going to get real fat, too?"

The Greatest Show On Earth- For Real

We went to Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey ZING ZANG ZOOM last night and it was fabulous!! It was more than two hours of non-stop action. Ebaby was stunned, I mean, stunned!

What did she have to say about it?

• Oooh, we're really at the circus!
• Wow!
• This is the best day ever!
• ...... (That is the mouth opened in amazement, don't know what to say because it's too cool for a five year old to put into words.)
• Wow!
• This is so exciting my breath ran away! (my personal fave)

Needless to say, she had a wonderful time. SHe now wants to be a tightrope walker!

It was over two hours of non-stop action and excitement. I think I had just as much fun as she did! Seeing the excitement on her face was wonderful.

If you can go, you should. (The post below this has the New Jersey/New York dates and a special discount code.)

I would love to go again!

Remind Me Why I Procreated

Ebaby just told me, "Today at school we read a story about a lady who ate and ate and ate until she got so fat! Fatter than anybody on the whole earth! Fatter than you even!"


Brat.

Out Of The Mouths Of Babes

Tonight it was Ebaby's turn to say grace. She said her usual thank you for the food, mommy, daddy, sisters. Then she said, "Thank you that mommy wasn't so angry today."

Whoa.

"What do you mean, puppy?" (Yes, I call her puppy.)

"You've been so angry for a long time, mommy, but today you weren't so angry."


That stopped me cold. I have been angry. I have been depressed. I have most certainly not been myself. That's not to say I usually shoot sparkles out of my ass, but I'm usually not like this. I just didn't realize that she noticed.

Now I am angry, depressed and guilty. How has my anger/depression been affecting my kids? What have I done to them?

I have been resisting calling a shrink for the whole post-partum thing. I'm not sure why but that will be my first call in the morning.

Something's got to change and that something is me.

It's A Good Thing I Love Her...

Question from Ebaby yesterday: “Mama, were you like this when you married Daddy?”

Unsuspecting me: “Like what?”

My darling daughter: “You know (poke, poke) fat with a big belly.”