I had every intention of writing a Thanksgiving post detailing the things I am thankful for. Lately it is hard to be thankful as Big Guy's cancer seems to color all of my thoughts. I try not to let my anxiety show too much but of course I fail. I didn't realize how badly I failed until the other day.
On Friday I took Ebaby and Scoop to a Christmas fair at Ebaby's school. It was a fun night with a craft, cookies, a few vendors and the big highlight- picture with Santa!
Scoop was thrilled just to get to go to Ebaby's school.
Ebaby was thrilled because they had a little "shop" where the kids could buy gifts for their family. She used her own money from her bank and was quite proud of herself.
They each made a snowflake craft and had cookies. We stood in line to see Santa.
I wasn't sure how Scoop would react to Santa, she's never seen him before. At first she kept her vise grip on my hand until Santa asked, "Want a candy cane?" Then she went to him. So much for teaching her to not take candy from strangers. They both sat on his lap and we got a couple of good pictures. Santa asked them what they want for Christmas. Ebaby never knows what she wants so now surprise when she said, "I don't know." She really doesn't know and she is always excited and grateful with whatever she gets. It's fun to buy for her. I was really interested to hear how Scoop would answer that question because everything she see she wants. She told Santa she wants, "hern own Barbies and ma pillow pet". (Of course I had no idea what a pillow pet was and had to Goolge it. $20 for a pillow???)
We had a really great time. The next day I was telling my sister about it and she said the thing that made me realize how I had failed at hiding my anxiety. She said:
"You sound so happy. You haven't sounded happy in a long time."
And damned if she wasn't right. I can put on a brave face and make jokes and kid around but the undertone of unhappy is there. Everything just seems so hard lately. Hell, getting out of bed some days is a major freakin chore.
Friday, though, I was happy. I was happy to see my girl proud to spend her own money on special gifts for her sisters and nana. I was happy to see the delight on my two year olds face when she got the nerve (and candy cane) to see Santa. I am happy to know we will at least have this Christmas and that no matter what comes, we are together now. And that is something to be thankful for.