Venting

I haven't posted in some time.  Part of this is due to the Big Guy.  He does not like me talking about anything negative that goes on with his health.  He doesn't want people to know for some reason.  I, on the other hand, could use a little support and find it helpful to talk about some stuff.  So I haven't written here much.

Another reason for the lack of posting is I don't want to seem ungrateful for all of the good things that have happened.  Not that you would know about any of the good things, since I haven't posted.

Anyway...
I am so very stressed I am not quite sure what to do with myself.  The Big Guy likes to put on a good face and he doesn't even want me to know when there is something wrong.  But he doesn't seem to be doing as well as he used to be doing.  He is pale and his heart rate is high even when sitting still.  He had to wear a heart monitor for a day last week to try and figure out what is going on.  Unfortunately we won't have those results for two weeks. 

I am sick of school.  Yes, I know I am almost done, light at the end of the tunnel, blah blah whatever blah.  Yeah, I'm almost done.  My kid is also almost done being three and how much of it have I missed?  Yeah, we need for me to have the piece of paper that says I'm qualified to do the thing I did for 13 years, so we can, you know, keep our house and have food and clothes.  But, damn, it is hard and I am missing things that will never happen again.  And that really sucks.

I am tired of worrying about money.  Here's something I don't talk about much- I'm a Christian.  One of those Bible thumping types.  I believe that God has seen us through these last four years of un- and under-employment.  There is no other reason we have made it this far.  Yet, I still worry about money.  Our insurance premium went up.  Our medical bills are crazy.  We are about $1000 short each month in our budget.  We took a loan against a life insurance policy last year to pay for out health insurance.  We don't have that option this year.  I haven't a clue what to do.  But based on my experience the last four years, we will make it through with God's help.  I still worry though.

My job.  I'm thankful to have a part time job where I can use my accounting skills and learn more things.  I also have the flexibility to go to some doctor appointments with Big Guy and not worry about my job.  But it can be stressful.  And like Forest Gump, that's all I have to say about that.

I'm tired and depressed.  Yes, I know there is medication and therapy and all.  But they cost money and when I had post partum and the doc put me on Z*loft- I hated it.  It made me feel, well, nothing.  I felt nothing.  I decided I'd rather feel like shit than nothing at all.  I know there are other meds but I don't have the money or the inclination to figure out.

And now I am too tired to even bitch anymore.