Monday, January 16, 2012

Venting

I haven't posted in some time.  Part of this is due to the Big Guy.  He does not like me talking about anything negative that goes on with his health.  He doesn't want people to know for some reason.  I, on the other hand, could use a little support and find it helpful to talk about some stuff.  So I haven't written here much.

Another reason for the lack of posting is I don't want to seem ungrateful for all of the good things that have happened.  Not that you would know about any of the good things, since I haven't posted.

Anyway...
I am so very stressed I am not quite sure what to do with myself.  The Big Guy likes to put on a good face and he doesn't even want me to know when there is something wrong.  But he doesn't seem to be doing as well as he used to be doing.  He is pale and his heart rate is high even when sitting still.  He had to wear a heart monitor for a day last week to try and figure out what is going on.  Unfortunately we won't have those results for two weeks. 

I am sick of school.  Yes, I know I am almost done, light at the end of the tunnel, blah blah whatever blah.  Yeah, I'm almost done.  My kid is also almost done being three and how much of it have I missed?  Yeah, we need for me to have the piece of paper that says I'm qualified to do the thing I did for 13 years, so we can, you know, keep our house and have food and clothes.  But, damn, it is hard and I am missing things that will never happen again.  And that really sucks.

I am tired of worrying about money.  Here's something I don't talk about much- I'm a Christian.  One of those Bible thumping types.  I believe that God has seen us through these last four years of un- and under-employment.  There is no other reason we have made it this far.  Yet, I still worry about money.  Our insurance premium went up.  Our medical bills are crazy.  We are about $1000 short each month in our budget.  We took a loan against a life insurance policy last year to pay for out health insurance.  We don't have that option this year.  I haven't a clue what to do.  But based on my experience the last four years, we will make it through with God's help.  I still worry though.

My job.  I'm thankful to have a part time job where I can use my accounting skills and learn more things.  I also have the flexibility to go to some doctor appointments with Big Guy and not worry about my job.  But it can be stressful.  And like Forest Gump, that's all I have to say about that.

I'm tired and depressed.  Yes, I know there is medication and therapy and all.  But they cost money and when I had post partum and the doc put me on Z*loft- I hated it.  It made me feel, well, nothing.  I felt nothing.  I decided I'd rather feel like shit than nothing at all.  I know there are other meds but I don't have the money or the inclination to figure out.

And now I am too tired to even bitch anymore.

11 comments:

Karmyn R said...

May God give you strength. May He fill you with peace and calmness.

That's all I can do - keep praying for the days to get better.

Never That Easy said...

I'm not one of those Bible thumping types, so I'm not big on prayer, but I am sending all my good thoughts your way. I hope that things get better for you, and that you remember you have this space, and these people, to help you when you need it. Wishing you as much wellness as possible.

Heather said...

You read my blog. You know I'm not one of those bible thumping types, either. I will tell you though, that things have a way of working themselves out, regarless of what direction it took to get you to the end result.

You guys will be fine. Be strong. Communicate. Love eachother. Cherish that baby. Mine's almost 4, too - I know what you mean.


Every little thing... gonna be alright!

Kellie said...

I'd love to have something as great to say as those comments above. But, my brain? Is fried. I'm tired, stressed, worried, stressed, worried a little more, unsure and tired.

So, I say...I'm sorry it sucks. I'm wish I could make it better. Even a small fraction...to take even one worry from you would feel like someone took twelve. I know because I'm there, too.

Here if you need to talk/e-mail/FB...here for it all.

xoxo

Fluent Brittish said...

I hope things look up for you soon. I'm sorry things are so heavy right now.

Pamela said...

I just want to hug you and tell you it will all be better --

Becca said...

We are in those days,after all this things a Mother still keep going.

prayers for you!

Kim said...

Thanks for visiting my blog. I know the struggle of chronic/major illness. Hang in there. Prayer works...not always in the way we want or the timing we want, but He is faithful. Hang on. Don't let go...He won't let go of you or your family.

Misty said...

I haven't been by here in forever, but I am glad I came today. Truly, tell me how I can be of encouragement to you?

I think we "met" because we swapped once, or something, several years ago. Can I still little notes in the mail to encourage you? Anything? I mean, I GET how absolutely awful and isolating life can feel and you are right- you DO need support. (we all do, you aren't alone.) And as wonderful as it is for people to tell you they will pray for you- (and I will, I can) I always want to make an effort to support you too. Does that make sense?
I am coming down from the WORST year of my life, but really it's been a 5 year journey of mixed blessings where most feel bad but the good ones are so beautiful it's hard to be too ugly about it. Anyway, seriously. Seriously...

Polly said...

There is this saying ..."We never know how strong we are till being strong is the only option we have." I have been where you are and during those times it seems as if there is no way out. Things will get better for you. Hang in ther, Sweetheart.

karisma said...

Sending you love, light and virtual hugs xoxox