Tuesday, July 06, 2010

A Vent

I just finished reading Jen Lancaster's "My Fair Lazy". At the end of the book she says this about the future with her husband:

"Do we want to spend the next thirty years on the couch, waiting to see who wins America's Next Top Model Cycle Forty-Five, or do we want to fill out lives with a million new experiences, even if sometimes they're unpredictable or scary or take effort?"

Damned if I didn't read that line and start crying. My time with the Big Guy is likely short and will be spent with him undergoing treatment. Our time will be spent hiding reality from the Littles and trying to create memories. Will Scoop remember him at all? She's only two. What will this do to our children? How are their lives going to be irrevocably changed? What the fuck am I going to do? How the hell am I supposed to keep my shit together?

Is it a foregone conclusion that he is going to die? No, but that odds are damn bad; somehwere in the neighborhood of a 27% chance he will be here in 24 months. We need a miracle. I'm a Christian ( yeah, a real bible thumper, not that you could tell from the swears I just dropped up there) so I do believe in miracles. Is God going to give us a miracle? I don't know. I hope so but the realist (read: pessimist) in me has to consider the worst.

I spend part of my time pretending this isn't even happening, part of the time going over worst case scenarios and the vast majority of the time praying that God would spare him. A few days ago I told the Big Guy I would be really pissed if he up and died on me. He wanted me to promise him that I wouldn't et mad at God. I told him I couldn't promise that; the best I could do was promise I wouldn't stay mad ( figuring this gives me 15-20 years to keep being pissed).

I guess I should warn you that this will be where I go to vent my angst so I don't infect my family. Feel free to not read, I won't be offended, this stuff sucks & i don't even want to read it.

11 comments:

beach mama said...

Oh Bethany. Huge huge hugs.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Be strong, as hard as that can be. Those littles need you. <3

phonemom said...

Hey, we all need a place to vent and if that's what we can all help you with then that's what we'll do.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. Try and be strong, but don't be afraid to reach out for yourself either.

Never That Easy said...

I am so sorry about your current circumstances. I wish I could do more than just listen.

I am so glad that you have a space where you can say things like this, and that you know people will be here to hear them.

Molly said...

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Hang in there and don't forget that there are many people who will gladly listen to everything you have to say.

I don't know if you remember my Aunt Kathy, but she was diagnosed with stage four breast cancer through her lymph nodes and spine four years ago. She fought like hell and lived a good life- the cancer was held completely at bay for the first two years without spreading at all, and it finally spread in the third year and we lost her after that. It was amazing what treatments and ideas doctors had for her, and how they kept it at bay as bad as it was, for as long as they did. I don't know what you are going through as a spouse and a mom, but I just wanted to let you know that remarkable treatments are out there.

Emma in Canada said...

Oh Beth...seriously, my heart breaks for you and your family. I'm wondering what you mean by "hiding reality from the Littles"? Are you telling them anything at all?

Bethany said...

Hi Emma,
The oldest knows what is going on. She's 19 and not stupid. We haven't given her a timeline because we just aren't sure ourselves. The 7 and 2 year olds (The Littles) don't know anything. We probably won't even try to tell the 2 year old because, well, she's 2 and won't get it. When things start to get really rough we'll tell the 7 y.o. some of it.

Kellie said...

My heart hurts and breaks for all of you. I am so very sorry and wish I could do something.

You vent all you want or need to. We're all here to cry and laugh with you and to help you back up when you fall.

For damn real.

MaryP said...

Oh, goodness. This was "the story" I inferred from your comment on my post. I wish I'd come here first!

Bethany, I am so, so, so sorry to read this. I can't imagine the storm you're being forced to weather.

Go ahead and be pissed at God; He can handle it. I think I was pissed with him for a couple of years around the time of my divorce. (And that was just a divorce. This is worse.) I liken it to the overwrought child who screams "I hate you!" at a parent... and then flings their little body into the parent's arms.

You've done your best to live the life you should... and this is what happens. Who wouldn't be angry? At least some of the time?

Meantime, the children will give you the motivation to keep your shit together, at least on the surface, most of the time. Sometimes acting a part is enough to start you feeling it.

I don't pray a lot these days, but I will pray for you. First, for that miracle, and second, for the strength to see through whatever happens.

Huge hugs to you.

Karmyn R said...

BETHANY!!!!

I am so sorry. You and your family are in my prayers. I am praying for a miracle. You've had a tough couple of years.

I am going to say it - It isn't fair. Just not damn fair. I'm angry for you and hoping for the best - praying for the best.

CPA Mom said...

Don't give anger at God a second thought. He expects it. I was SO angry when God took away my husband those 10 years ago. I had no idea what joy was in store for me now. It's ok to be angry - it's be weird if you weren't. I'm glad you have this place to vent.

Erica said...

You vent all you want. You have to have an outlet. God won't mind if you are pissed at him. My friends brother was diagnosed with non hodgekins lymphoma and it was so rare, he had a 12% chance of surviving even three months...one year later he is cancer free. There is so many medical advances out there. hang in there.